Sacred sex
Question
My boyfriend is concerned that we have different values when it comes to sex - he thinks we should abstain for a while so that sex becomes more sacred in our relationship. I don't agree that this is necessary, as I enjoy being intimate with him and think I have a healthy attitude towards sex.
He seems hung up on the fact that I slept with my partners quite early on in previous relationships. He says that this is because I have low self-esteem, and that my ex-boyfriends took advantage of my vulnerability and neediness to get in my pants.
Although I don't agree that I have low self-esteem, or that there's anything wrong with my sexual history, he is now making me question myself. I don't know what to do to help our relationship, although my boyfriend thinks we should get therapy. What do you suggest?
Answer
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have got into a bit of a rut with your sex life. While it's good that you are obviously close and able to talk openly about your relationship and your feelings, it doesn't sound as if your communication is productive. If anything, talking about this has actually increased your confusion and added to your problems. It has made you doubt yourself and your past experiences, and question your self-esteem, which is neither positive for you or for the future of your relationship. Even so, it's good that you are asking for help before things get any worse or more complicated between you.
From what you say, you've had lots of sex in previous relationships, and even though these relationships did not work out you felt secure about your sex life and your self-esteem. However, in your current relationship you don't feel sexually fulfilled. Your boyfriend may feel intimidated by your previous experiences or sexual appetite, even though he may not realise it himself or wish to admit it to you. It sounds as though he is dealing with this is by being defensive. Rather than admitting that he has a problem or feels uncomfortable, it appears that he is transferring his feelings on to you - making you feel that you are the one with the problem. But as far as you're concerned, you weren't aware you had or have a problem.
It's likely that if you had low self-esteem or if you felt used in previous relationships, you would be aware of it. Maybe you feel at ease with your sexual identity - and there's nothing wrong with that. The irony here is that by knocking away at your values and your beliefs, it's actually your current boyfriend who is starting to affect your self-esteem and to make you doubt yourself. It could be worthwhile talking to him about how you value his opinions, but that he is making you feel bad about yourself. If he doesn't like how you've behaved with previous partners, that's his problem - not yours. He is entitled to his own values, but he doesn't have the right to make you question yours.
Perhaps he needs to feel that he is special in comparison to your ex-boyfriends, and that sex with him is a reflection of how deep and meaningful your relationship is. It may be possible that he's the one who is insecure and has low self-esteem, and is in need of reassurance from you about how much he means to you. If this is the case, perhaps you could demonstrate how much you care for him in other ways, such as by spending more time with him or showing an interest in his work or hobbies.
What's important here is not whose values are right or wrong, but how you move forward and develop your relationship so that you're both happy together. Your boyfriend's suggestion that you have counselling could be a very good idea; it may help to talk about your feelings in a neutral setting, with a trained counsellor who can encourage you to address the issues between you. A counsellor will give you both equal time to air your views and feelings and will suggest exercises and ideas which can help you get things back on track. To find out about counselling services in your area, you could contact Relate on 0845 130 40 10. In some health authorities, it may also be possible to be referred to a relationship counsellor via your doctor (GP).
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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